Foul Australian Miscreants Terrorize Innocent New Zealand With Navy

Illustration for article titled Foul Australian Miscreants Terrorize Innocent New Zealand With Navy

Australia, a “country” on the continent of “Australia,” is commonly known as “the bully of the world” by New Zealand, a small island country entirely populated by small birds. Unsatisfied with their pre-existing reign of terror, the Royal Australian Navy has engaged in what New Zealand is calling “maritime hoonery” in its waters.


The nerve.

The HMAS Warramunga was spotted in the pristine, peaceful, gorgeous, lovely Marlborough Sounds of New Zealand, generally tearing about and probably scaring children, Australia’s ABC reports:

Last week, locals in the picturesque Marlborough Sounds said they spotted the Anzac Class frigate speeding through their sheltered harbour.

Paul Keating from local advocacy group Guardian of the Sounds said several boats and a walkway were damaged.

“Twelve people rang the harbour master that day to lay complaints and one of them was, I believe, from the salmon farm,” he said.

“Maritime hoonery would be a good way to describe [it].

We have taken the liberty of including a dramatic re-enactment of the 387-foot Warramunga wreaking havoc on the entirety of New Zealand below:

But it gets worse, for apparently the responsible harbor master believes that “Australia” and its “navy” are ABOVE THE LAW:

Marlborough Sounds harbour master Luke Grogan said his powers only covered civilian watercraft, and Navy warships were not bound by maritime law to keep to speed limits.


Undaunted by the apparently legally invincible Royal Australian Navy and probably also by the very many weapons sticking out of the Warramunga (including a cannon shooting shells five inches in diameter, torpedoes, sea sparrow missiles, and an assortment of small arms), Grogan gingerly asked the RAN to please consider not driving about like a bunch of wayward Youths.

Oddly enough for a bunch of unruly bogans, the RAN actually seems to have complied:

In a statement, Defence said: “Warramunga was aware of, and sensitive to, local aqua culture farms in the area, and following public concern adjusted its training.”

Despite New Zealand’s minister of defense accepting this as a satisfactory end, a bunch of the mysterious creatures inhabiting New Zealand want a formal apology.

We can only hope and pray – yes, pray, friends – that they get it.

H/t to Eric!

Photo of the HMAS Warramunga credit: US Navy

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Ratchet when he's all hopped up on synthetic energon

So as a public-schooled American, can someone give me the digest version of Australia-NZ relations? I just assume that NZ is like Australia’s Canada.