It's Monday, which means we've all woken up to yet another day on Planet Earth. And since this beautiful planet includes Russia, and Russia belongs to a bellicose and belligerent dictator named Vladimir Putin, we can all hear another lovely, bizarre threat. This time, Russia threatened to nuke the Danish Navy.

The threat to nuke the Danes, is, of course, a result of traditional Russian hatred of smørrebrod Denmark saying that it could, maybe, hypothetically, donate a portion of its shipboard radar capacity to the NATO ballistic missile defense shield.

Russia doesn't take kindly to that, as it believes the missile shield is actually aimed at protecting NATO from Russian nukes, but right now that's a little besides the point. Because Russia just threatened to aim its nukes at ships from Denmark. Via the AFP:

"I do not think that the Danes fully understand the consequences of what happens if Denmark joins the US-led missile defence," Ambassador Mikhail Vanin wrote in the daily [Jyllands-Posten].

"If this happens Danish warships become targets for Russian nuclear missiles."

So, on the one hand, I suppose we could say goodbye to the Danish Navy in the event of an all-out nuclear war. But as the Danish Navy is capable of being fully integrated with the rest of NATO forces, it really wouldn't be a surprise if they were targets in a Russia-NATO war to begin with.

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But what is alarming is why Russia feels the need to remind Denmark of that. And why they're picking on one of the smallest nations in the room. NATO, for its part, is sticking up for Denmark, according to Reuters:

Asked to respond, NATO spokeswoman Oana Lungescu said Denmark was a staunch member of the alliance and NATO would defend all allies against any threat.

"We have made clear that NATO's ballistic missile defense is not directed at Russia or any country, but is meant to defend against missile threats. This decision was taken a long time ago, so we are surprised at the timing, tone and content of the statements made by Russia's ambassador to Denmark," she said.

If you're wondering at what point Russian strategic policy stumbles into the realm of the absurd, I'm afraid we're already well beyond that. Firstly, because the NATO ballistic missile shield, even if it was pointed at Russia, is generally considered completely incapable in making a dent in what would surely be a world-ending swarm of Russian ICBMs. So it's not much of a threat to Russia's nuclear existence.

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And secondly, Russia, what the hell? It's Denmark. Denmark. Denmark is that quiet kid in the cafeteria that everyone ignores, as he pretty much bothers no one, and his funny little open-faced sandwiches aren't worth stealing, anyways. Threatening Denmark isn't a wild card move, it's a bizarre move.

Denmark.

I know that President Putin needs to look strong as a matter of internal politics, but threatening Denmark is not the way to do it. You just look like a paranoid weirdo. Threatening Denmark is for the confused, the lame, and the hucksters, those not looking for a real fight, nor a real reaction. Nobody serious about their threats goes ahead and threatens Denmark. That's why I threaten Denmark at least three times a week.

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You want to be serious about your threats? Threaten to nuke France or something. At least they've got a fleet of nuclear ballistic missile subs of their own, so you don't look just like a Botox'd loon, and instead you look like someone willing to take real risks.

Though maybe we're underestimating Denmark, and the Danish Navy. The last time we saw them tangle with some Somali Pirates, they came off pretty well:

But seriously, Russia.

Denmark.

Photo credit: AP


Contact the author at ballaban@jalopnik.com.
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