Illustration for article titled The Guy Who Made My Kebabs Tried To Join ISIS

The war on ISIS has reached America, and the front lines are all around us. ISIS is real, and ISIS is here. I know this, because one of the three guys who got caught trying to join ISIS in New York used to make my kebabs.


Pray for me.

I'm not sure when I encountered my first ISIS Kebab, but it was possibly chicken, or maybe lamb. It was sold by Gyro King on Foster Avenue in Brooklyn, though I'm not really sure which Gyro King on Foster Avenue in Brooklyn because there are actually two locations, just a few blocks apart from each other, though it doesn't matter which since I've been to both.


But what I can definitely confirm is that Abdurasul Hasanovich Juraboev chopped the vegetables for it, and it was probably borderline edible and possibly even delicious. And then Juraboev allegedly tried to go join ISIS.

My kebabs are such a huge story, naturally, that publications from the New York Post to the New Yorker to the New York Times, and many other New York-based publications besides, are following up on my groundbreaking legwork (from the subway station to the kebab place to my apartment).

From the Times:

Week after week, Mr. Juraboev, 24, had worked alone in a dank basement beneath the Gyro King on Foster Avenue in Brooklyn, chopping vegetables for 10 hours a day, six days a week.

He worked alone, the earbuds from his iPhone pressed in his ears.

But in recent weeks he set in motion a plan — to join his friend and go fight with the Islamic State.


But what could it mean? What could be the connection between my kebabs, and the people in ISIS who want to kill me? Could my kebabs, which I had assumed were so often prepared with love, have in fact been prepared with hate? Were they all part of a larger plot to assassinate the President of the United States?

Juraboev's indictment says yes:

"What I'm saying is, to shoot Obama and then get shot ourselves, will it do?" Juraboev allegedly posted in August on an ISIS-affiliated site. "That will strike fear in the hearts of infidels."


Juraboev planned to quit his job last week, and head to the Middle East shortly after. Fortunately for America, and meat on a stick, he was arrested before he could set his plan in motion.

But this, friends, this is where the real story of ISIS begins.

With me, and a kebab.

This must be how Bill O'Reilly feels every day.

Photo credit: Biser Todorov

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